The following excerpts are from real teenagers and real parents from letters and journals that clinics keep in waiting rooms for patients and their families and friends to share their thoughts and feelings. We are grateful to Preterm in Cleveland OH, the Philadelphia Women’s Center, the Allentown (PA) Women’s Center, Allegheny Women’s Health in Pittsburgh, PA and Southern Tier Women’s Services in Binghamton NY for these submissions.
01/10/08
I just found your website while researching health care issues here at work. Thank God for people like you. Here is my story.
I became pregnant when I was 16, in 1972. My pregnancy was the result of a long-term relationship with my high school boyfriend. I hid my pregnancy for almost 8 mos., from paralyzing fear as well as shock and denial. My parents found out in the summertime shortly before my baby was to be born. I was immediately taken to an unwed mother’s home/adoption agency out of state where I remained until I delivered. No one knew. Back then, pregnant girls (married or otherwise) were not allowed to attend public school. There was no such thing as any kind of support for single teenaged moms. Abortions were not legal yet. At the maternity home, we were told that we were doing the right thing by giving our babies up for adoption; that we had made a terrible mistake; that we could not be good mothers; that our babies deserved better than us. We were told we would forget and get on with our lives. No one tried to help us keep our babies. We were vulnerable and there for one purpose: to turn over our infants to married couples who wanted children. We had fake names, our mail was censored. We learned to live with shame, guilt, and a lack of self-worth. My baby was placed for adoption not because it was a carefully thought-out decision, but because there was no other option. Options imply choices, and there were no choices. Single moms did not exist in the early 70s. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that none of us ever forgot our babies. I came home and received no counseling (which was the common way society treated birth moms). It was just supposed to be “over”. For people who cannot believe this is how we were treated I would suggest reading the book ‘The Girls Who Went Away’.
As an adult I’ve always been active in the reproductive choices movement and I have spent my professional life as a nurse and an advocate for women. I was also one of 2 lead Plaintiffs in a class-action reproductive choice lawsuit against the State of Oklahoma concerning a deceptively worded “abortion rights” initiative petition (we were victorious to the U.S. Supreme Court who denied certiorari). I’ve worked in an abortion clinic where I saw women treated with dignity, respect and empathy---they made informed and careful decisions which were respected. I don’t know if I would have had an abortion had it been available; since this was just not an option, I cannot say what I would have done. But I do know that no young pregnant girl should ever have to go through the heartbreak and grief that I did when I surrendered my baby. Birth control should be freely available to anyone who wants it, at any age. Until our society decides to teach individual reproductive responsibility beginning with pre-schoolers, there will always be a need for birth control and abortion. It makes me angry to the point of tears when I hear anti-choice people say “adoption, not abortion”. It is just not that easy. Women are not breeding stock, and no girl should ever have to surrender her child to adoption unless this is her own well-thought-out choice.
Jump ahead to 2006. After years always wondering about my baby, of shame, of hiding the fact I ever had my baby, I decided to search for him. God was smiling on me as it only took me one month to find him. I am happy to say that he was loved and grew up with every advantage. He was thrilled to be found and we are embarking on a journey of becoming a family.
My point here in this email is that people need to be educated from the preschool years about being responsible with their bodies. Society needs to provide birth control to anyone who wants it, at any time. Women should have access to informed health care at all stages of their reproductive lives. Single parents need to be nurtured and educated and encouraged to parent, should they decide to do so.
Again, thanks for all you do.
Kim
4/26/02
Its eleven AM & I am a mother of a 15 year old, writing… In my wildest dreams, I never thought I’d be in this position. But weird as it sounds, I am a blessed person. She and the young man had a plan to do this all on their own. But we always had pretty good communication & they decided to tell us. By “us,” I mean my current & last husband is also waiting right here next to me. This is the hardest & worst decision of our lives. None of us ever believed in abortion or pro-choice. But as I have struggled within myself for the last eight days, I thank God the opportunity was available to us. This is a “relief” to us. She is so young and has such growing up to do, & life to live, so many opportunities. My husband is about to lose his job, I am a waitress. I don’t even have money to grocery shop sometimes. I just feel Blessed that we live in the USA & have rights & choices. I am blessed for the “loves” in my life (i.e., parents, husband…) And blessed especially because I have a wonderful, beautiful daughter, who I pray God will hold tight in His arms & watch over her, and forgive her & bless her with all the beautiful & simple pleasures that life has to offer. Like this morning, the full moon was just fantastic.
Please, love, live, laugh, smile each day and thank God for all the good in your lives. Tell people you love, every day & every chance you get, that you love them.
To my daughter & my husband… I love you both with all my heart and as a family, we will get through this, together.
Thanks All.
God bless you
(undated)
It’s July something, and I remember her standing in my kitchen telling me she was pregnate and she could not have it and could not tell her parents. I am her best friend and I had to understand where she is coming from. I am straight edge (SXE). No drinking, no drugs, no sex. It isn’t that bad. We went to a free clinic to get tested and had her options read. She decided to get an abortion go through the court bypass. Later, a few days later, she decided to tell her parents. I was so glad. I was worried that we wouldn’t be able to do it ourselves. I cannot drive, although I am sixteen and she would not be able to drive home. She was worried that her parents would not understand or disown her, but instead they showered her with their love and support. No, they don’t like the fact she’s pregnate, but they do support the decision she has made. She has dreams, ambitions and a full, healthy life ahead of her. I love this girl, and I will always be there for her, thick and thin. And I have been and will be staying with her, taking care of her and supporting her. She is my best friend. I have known her since T-ball and we have been through a lot of crap. This is the biggest obsticle we have yet to overcome.
We got lost getting here . . .
I hope we can find our way home.
(figuratively & literly)
Good luck and keep your faith alive. He will forgive you.
Much love *
AM
5/28/05
Well I am here for my first time. It will be my last. I am feeling everything from hurt to relieved. There is much pain in my heart as I am sure there is in yours. No one will understand exactly what we go through until they go through it, but if you tell & ask for help, they will try. I am currently 16 weeks along. So, for the past 16 wks I’ve carried around my baby in my belly & for the rest of my life I will carry it around in my heart. This was probably the toughest decision I’ve ever had to make, I am 16 yrs. old. But my family is supporting me. I pray that this baby somehow knows I love it with all my heart. But I wasn’t emotionally or financially ready. I made a mistake & this mistake will forever be in my mind. But this was probably one of the best decisions I’ve made. I do not want to bring a little innocent child into the world & make it 10x worse for the child because I can’t support it. Though I will always wonder “What if …” I will never regret my decision. You must hit rock bottom before you can be on top. For all you ladies: I understand how hard this is. But don’t look at this as a burden, but as a slap in the face to reality! & if any of your friends go through this, you can help more than anyone !
Love,
Someone who knows.
P.S. Things are better said than done, but we all can get through this w/our inner strength.
10/09/2004
I’m here waiting for my precious daughter to go through this procedure.,,So she wants to be a pediatrician and I told her not at this age because you are still a child. A child cannot take care of child. Pursue your beautiful dreams have a good time enjoy life. Then proceed with a beautiful family once you pursue a career and wonderful supporting husband because they are very hard to find. So make the right decision when you are young when it comes to sex, love and education. Focus on the future not this past situation. The Lord will forgive and Bless you when you Believe and Praise
Him!! Amen!
Caring, Supporting
Mother
Please let this be the 1st and last time here please!!
12-13-02
I have seen those girls. Walking through my high school hallways. I always said how hard is it to use protection? There entire life is not over from one stupid act. Now I’m sitting here. I’m one of those girls. No one ever would of guessed that it’d happen to me. Specially me! I’m 17 and only a Junior. I have been a Varsity football cheerleader for three years. That skirt isn’t gonna fit so well. I’m a Honor Roll student. I have played the violen for 9 years. I have been casted in every school play since my freshmen year. I’m in a competing show choir. I’m the student that every parent, teacher, and fellow students love. They admired my strong will, ambition, and high goals. Now I’m pregnet. Now I’m another statistic. I can’t believe it happened to me. Niether can my boyfriend. Well X-boyfriend. He can’t believe its his. Although he knows it is. He’s scared. I’m 17 and he’s 26. I was in love. Now I can’t stand him. Luckly I have a good friend who’s here with me. She say’s I’m handeling it all really well. Truthfully I’m terrified. I just had my blood drawn and I about passed out b/c of how nervous I am. I’ve never been pregnet I’ve never had an abortion. I never thought I would have to. Not so young. I know it can happen now. I now know it can happen to anyone. The real world is scary. This is a big introduction to that. God please forgive me. You know that this isn’t my path. I veered off, but I’m striving to get back on. I can’t wait till my life is back to normal, if it ever can be after this. Most of all, I can’t wait to EAT!
08/06/04
I’m here today for an abortion. My boyfriend came here to support me, we are very much in love and are both looking forward to a bright future. I was on the pill, but it failed !! We are only 17 and both college bound. We felt that dragging a child from place to place and even just bringing an enisent life into the world that deserves a real family was wrong. This child hasn’t done anything to deserve a hard life because of our choice to have premarital sex. My boyfriend believes that since we can’t keep this child, maybe it’s soul will go on to be born somewhere else. Somewhere happy where the parents will be excited and ready for the child and it will get the love it deserves. I think it would be selfish of us to keep the child. Am I scared? Yes. Do I feel this is a sin? Yes but my boyfriend says that God forgives so maybe I’ll/we’ll be spared. I want a family after marrige when we can provide and raise our family how it should be.
I hope god forgives and I hope this baby will be reborn somewhere happy. Be brave. And have faith. It’s all people like us have to hold on to that and the people who we love.
8/06
My parents are Filipino and they would never understand. I didn’t tell them. About a year ago, I went to Planned Parenthood so that I would be prepared and protected. I thought my mom would be so proud of me and impressed when I told her where I went. She slapped my face. Now I think it’s odd that I thought she would be proud of me. They are just so old world, but I am an American. I know I am doing the right thing choosing an abortion. I don’t feel bad about my choice—I’m glad to choose my life!
06/05
I sit here today as a mother of a 14 yr old daughter making the most difficult decision of “Our Lives.” I have so many emotions going on in my head, “why, how, when, who?” I thought I knew it all, I thought that my long talks had sunk in but to my surprise, she got Pregnant. Now I feel close yet so far away. My daughter is smart with a very bright future, she is too young to be in this situation so we decided this was best. It hurts me a lot, but we will get through this. Mothers, stay strong and protect your babies and respect the decision. And daughters understand that you are not alone, however, you need to be more responsible because this effects everyone involved. Life doesn’t end here, it actually begins as a growing and learning experience.
6/05
I am here today with my boyfriend and mother. I’m 16 years old and when I first found out I was pregnant I’ve never been more scared before in my life. Only me and my boyfriend knew… I asked my mom to take me to the hospital because I was having bad stomach pains. I told them I was pregnant and not to tell my mom, but as time went by and my mom wasn’t in the room with me, she knew something was wrong. I ended up telling her there. She was so scared for me yet supportive of any decision I wanted to make.
2-03
It’s the day before Valentine’s Day. I’m with my 19 yr old daughter at an abortion clinic. It’s hard to believe she is the same age I was when I was pregnant with her. I feel very sad for her, yet I also feel very proud at the same time, to make such an adult decision.
Prior to having my daughter I too sat in the same place making the same decision. I was 18 yrs. old, very naïve and clueless. My parents weren’t thrilled, therefore the decision was made for me. They brought me and left me, I never felt so lonely and scared in my life. But I got through it and persevered…
I’m very grateful my daughter came to me and that I’m here for her today and always!! Now she knows that no mater what happens in life, that I’ll always be here for her the rest of her future.
I love you!
no date
This goes out to all of the broken hearted moms who care and love their children enough to guide them through the toughest decision of her life. I am grieving my potential grandchild who I would have loved with all my heart. However, I am proud to see my “baby” get her life back on track so she can chase her dreams. Someday God will give that baby back to her and we will celebrate grandly.
Be so proud of your young girls for getting over this milestone instead of being angry or disappointed for getting in this position to begin with. God accepts people for the decisions they make and for the reasons they make them.
Love to all the babies! and Love to my 16 yr. old baby.